This year probably the hardest year for us.
No one said marriage will be easy. If anyone said, “you should get married to be happy”, don’ trust. Not because they are lying. But because happiness in marriage should work by two person at same time. Can’t be one is always fighting, one have not. Sometimes, it really hard to work those “happiness” due to many circumstances between both persons. Lets just be honest, here. Dealing with other people feeling, thought, taste and wants can be very tiring sometimes, don’t you agree?
We’ve never been this far before. Last week the volcano is finally explode. And its not good. Not good at all, when both is questioning the same thing: should we try or give up?
Every person has their own definition of happiness. When we no longer feel happy, when we feel we’re trying too hard to make it work, when we feel unwanted, when we feel wasted—it is very hard to stay in those feeling for long time. Especially when the person who made you feel all that is your own spouse. What should you do when your spouse no longer makes you happy? Not only that, lust is also missing somewhere. Yea I think its actually related when your are emotionally far (even physically close), you lost that butterfly on your stomach then you no longer longing for intimacy.
And then what? you start searching for new distraction. For me, spending time with cats will be my getaway. For him, drowning into cellphone is the answer. Sometimes I wonder what he does with his cell? Many questions, many assumptions comes up. And trust me, its very ugly when it finally blown. BOOM!!
I hurt him. He hurts me. We cried. We don’t know what we should do. This hurt and scar makes us never be the same, ever again. We shout many things we shouldn’t say. I say something very ugly that I should never said. But to be honest, at that time I did not sorry for what I feel. I need to let it out. I want him to know how I feel. Now that he knows, I hope he would start trying. Just trying, for better life..for both of us and sake of our future.
I remember exactly when he said, “so now what you want? Do you want to give this all up? Do you able to live by yourself? Why you even want to marry me?”
Deep down inside, emotionally, I said YES. I’ve been thinking of being single again for sometime. And I know I’m brave enough to start over by myself. But again, it might only because of anger and lots of emotion which most probably I will regret for the rest of my life. So I keep my mouth shout and take all his anger and frustrations of me.
Then I remember my reason why I want to marry him. Because I believe he is able to be my imaam, he made me a better person. He is the one I know will always fight and work hard for his family.
Then we cried, again.
…..
At that night, He decide not to sleep next to me. We sleep separate room. I did not ask him to come in. Let him be, I let him sleeping on the couch that night so he would take time to think and digest all complains and thoughts and feeling of me — which never reveal for long time.
Next morning still awkward for us, but we push ourselves to forgive and give another chance for us. We had long hugged and smile to each other. We will make it work.
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This blog is the hardest and longest I’ve made. It took almost a week to finalize it. It was our lowest moment of 8 years marriage. I don’t want to believe that “7th-ish itchy” myths but past 2 years was the hardest so far. Many many maaaany times I want to give up, I want to end this yet i’m still here right know. There is something there hold me still. Maybe its love. Maybe its commitment, maybe both. I don’t know for sure. May this experience makes us stronger than ever.
Chocolate is always good idea! 